Grief: A Brief Perspective
Dear Reader,
Did you know that grief is universal? That each of us experience grief many times throughout life. The situations and circumstances may differ, but the feelings experienced with grief are the same for all.
Death-Loss-Grief
Three different words with separate definitions, yet they are symbiotic; one doesn’t exist without the other.
We tend to think of death in physical terms i.e., an organic organism dies; however, death occurs in many forms. Loss can be interpreted as temporary, such as a misplaced object, or permanent, as in the case of death. Both can be described as something in your life that ceases to exist i.e., family, friends, job, relationships, home, perception of self, location, family dynamics, sense of security etc.
Enter grief. Grief is an emotional/psychological/physical reaction to loss and death. It can be situational or chronic (due to long term exposure to toxic environment).
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied and narrowed these universal reactions into the 5 Stages of Grief:
Denial
Denial is the stage that can initially help you survive the loss. You might think life makes no sense, has no meaning, and is too overwhelming. You start to deny the news and, in effect, go numb. It’s common in this stage to wonder how life will go on in this different state – you are in a state of shock because life as you once knew it, has changed in an instant. In the denial stage, you are not living in ‘actual reality,’ rather, you are living in a ‘preferable’ reality. Interestingly, it is denial and shock that help you cope and survive the grief event. Denial aids in pacing your feelings of grief. Instead of becoming completely overwhelmed with grief, we deny it, do not accept it, and stagger its full impact on us at one time. Think of it as your body’s natural defense mechanism saying “hey, there’s only so much I can handle at once.” Once the denial and shock begin to fade, the start of the healing process begins. At this point, those feelings that you were once suppressing are coming to the surface. Anger
Once you start to live in ‘actual’ reality again and not in ‘preferable’ reality, anger might start to set in. This is a common stage to think “why me?” and “life’s not fair!” You might look to blame others for the cause of your grief and also may redirect your anger to close friends and family. You find it incomprehensible of how something like this could happen to you. If you are strong in faith, you might start to question your beliefs. Researchers and mental health professionals agree that this anger is a necessary stage of grief. And encourage the anger. It’s important to truly feel the anger. It’s thought that even though you might seem like you are in an endless cycle of anger, it will dissipate – and the more you truly feel the anger, the more quickly it will dissipate, and the more quickly you will heal. It is not healthy to suppress your feelings of anger – it is a natural response – and perhaps, arguably, a necessary one. In everyday life, we are normally told to control our anger toward situations and toward others. When you experience a grief event, you might feel disconnected from reality – that you have no grounding anymore. Your life has shattered and there’s nothing solid to hold onto. Think of anger as a strength to bind you to reality. You might feel deserted or abandoned during a grief event. That no one is there. You are alone in this world. The direction of anger toward something or somebody is what might bridge you back to reality and connect you to people again. It is a “thing.” It’s something to grasp onto – a natural step in healing. Bargaining
When something bad happens, have you ever caught yourself making a deal with your higher power? “Please God/universe, if you heal my husband, I will strive to be the best wife I can ever be – and never complain again.” This is bargaining. In a way, this stage is false hope. You might falsely make yourself believe that you can avoid the grief through a type of negotiation. If you change this, I’ll change that. You are so desperate to get your life back to how it was before the grief event, you are willing to make a major life change in an attempt toward normality. Guilt is a common wing man of bargaining. This is when you endure the endless “what if” statements. What if I had left the house 5 minutes sooner–the accident would have never happened. What if I encouraged him to go to the doctor six months ago like I first thought–the cancer could have been found sooner and he could have been saved. What if I had been more good looking-my spouse wouldn’t have left me. Depression
Depression is a commonly accepted form of grief. In fact, most people associate depression immediately with grief – as it is a “present” emotion. It represents the emptiness we feel when we are living in reality, and realize the person or situation is gone or over. In this stage, you might withdraw from life, feel numb, live in a fog, and not want to get out of bed. The world might seem too much and too overwhelming for you to face. You don’t want to be around others, don’t feel like talking, and experience feelings of hopelessness. You might even experience suicidal thoughts – thinking “what’s the point of going on?” Acceptance
The last stage of grief identified by Kubler-Ross is acceptance. Not in the sense that “it’s okay this happened” rather, “this happened, but I’m going to be okay.” In this stage, your emotions may begin to stabilize. You re-enter reality. You come to terms with the fact that the “new” reality is that your loss is permanent. It’s not a “good” thing – but it’s something you can live with. It is definitely a time of adjustment and readjustment. There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are good days again. In this stage, it does not mean you’ll never have another bad day – where you are uncontrollably sad. But the good days tend to outnumber the bad days. In this stage, you may lift from your fog, you start to engage with friends again, and might even make new relationships as time goes on. You understand your loss can never be replaced, but you move, grow, and evolve into your new reality.
Symptoms of Grief
Your grief symptoms may present themselves physically, socially, or spiritually. Some of the most common symptoms of grief are presented below:
Crying
Headaches
Difficulty Sleeping Fatigue
Questioning the Purpose of Life
Questioning Your Spiritual Beliefs
Feelings of Detachment
Isolation from Friends and Family
Abnormal Behaviors/Addictive Behaviors
Worry
Frustration
Guilt
Anger
Loss of Appetite
Aches and Pains
Grief can become a dominant pervasive state of being and can consume our existence. If you are concerned that you may be suffering from complicated grief disorder or chronic grief syndrome, take our self-assessment quiz to see if you may benefit from further treatments.
Do you experience intense sorrow and emotional pain many months after the loss?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Is it difficult to focus on anything other than your loss?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Do you take measures to avoid anything that reminds you of your loss?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Do you have trouble accepting the death/loss?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Do you feel numb or detached from other people or activities you once enjoyed?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Do you feel that life is meaningless and most activities have no purpose?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often
Very Often
Do you become easily irritable or agitated?
Never
Rarely
Sometimes
Often